Complications

29 weeks, advanved maternal age, first pregnancy, health, husbands, pregnancy

I noticed when I went to check the results of my glucose test on-line that there was a red flag on my cyber chart under “Complications”, and it said “Elderly Multigravida”.

Elderly Multigravida.

They couldn’t think of a better name? And are they still really using Latin mashup to make medical jargon sound more official? Come to think of it, who even IS “they”? Are a bunch of people sitting around a board room table pitching ideas MAD MEN style? I imagine a kind of Roger Sterling coming up with “elderly multigravida” while Don shakes his head, looks down and laughs while tapping his ash, Joan with a resigned pursed lip, her resting bitch face in full effect, silently disapproving…

And yet the “gravida” part of it almost sounds like a compliment. Grand. Gravitous. Bravo. All words that come to mind. “Gravida”: a mix of letters, scrambled together to take the sting off the fact they use the word “elderly” to describe a female pro-creator over the age 35.

Anyway it made me laugh, not just the term (or medical diagnosis, rather), but the way it was all sneaky on my cyber chart. Just kind of thrown up there, outta sight, outta mind, something the majority of nurses and my amazing doctor (who was 39 when she had her first baby), HAD to write down, but will never speak of.

There really aren’t any physical rewards to growing older are there? My husband reminds me that a woman is supposedly in her cardiovascular prime around her late 30s and cites Dara Torres as a prime example of what a body in the stages of Elderly Gravida is capable of. So I guess there’s that. But it’s a brutal business, this aging thing. The body just betrays you, slowly. And maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if we, oh, didn’t have mirrors, and botox, and medi-spas, and magazines, and eggs that we are born with…not to mention cancer causing EVERYTHINGS and toxins and medicines and crap food that is made to be so cheap and tasty by chemical companies that could give two F’s about how it’ll affect us years from now…

So I go for long walks in the woods, do lots of yoga, eat kale and sunflower seeds and dried apricots and kiwi and bananas, throw cacao and chia seeds into my smoothie, worry about how I’m going to get an organic apple in Door Co., WI, and then stay up too late, and sneak string cheese and Halloween candy at the end of the day…

And I feel pretty dang good. This baby boy loves to just rest his little 2 lb. body on my sciatic nerve, and my walk is starting to resemble the tiniest of waddle, but in my 29th week, I’ve gained 19 lbs and last week, in Evanston, this sweet, sweet babe of a college girl working the juice bar asked me if I had a Wildcard (the Northwestern student ID).So there Elderly Gravida…stick that in your peace pipe and smoke it 🙂photo-23

 

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